I want to start this off by pleading an apology from you.
Again, I got your hopes up and at the same time I killed it by not being there and not answering your messages and remarks on facebook.
Only when I got back, to see my phone with my message, my Skype orange with your messages and the facebook and your wall posts.. the feeling that I got, is unlike any feeling I have had ever.
Unlike the usual mix of regret and guilt with a little sprinkle of self resentment thrown in, what I did to you today cuts deep, slices cleanly through the very vestiges of my inner conscience. The guilt, amplified by a thousandfold. The regret, multiplied. Both of them combined, feeds the self misery that I am developing at the moment and at the same time carving today's misdeed of mine into the very folds of my cerebral complex of the human body; the brain. And it is replayed. Over and over again.
This is probably what Hell feels like; not only it brings pain to the physical being for eternity, the soul as well feels it as well. I am feeling the soul aspect and by far, I agree it is more scarring than its physical counterpart.
Trust me girl, all I want to do in this life, is to make my loved ones happy. Disappointing them somehow wreaks a havoc akin to a storm, a tempest of an unnatural kind deep inside my heart as my emotions and the sin that I have committed hand in hand tumbles back and forth.
Never in my life, never in this 23 year span of me walking this earth, I wanted to do this to anyone. What makes everything worse is that, I have done it to you. The guilt once again, tears me from limb to limb, and shuffles my organs and skin back together, so it can tear it again and again. An endless cycle.
And when I called you, I heard the clear disappointment in your voice. And you're unable to speak properly I can tell. But what killed me was, that you wouldn't want to come online. But somehow, it is a fitting punishment for someone that literally threw the plane at you (look for Cantonese reference lol).
Believe me girl, I never want to go back on you that way.
But I did regardless.
And I am sorry.
And I didn't change anything in facebook. Really. But I did see some notable changes.. I am learning a new Pokemon skill i.e: Body Slam.
The only thing I did thus far is just wall posts, nothing more. To undo your changes it is like, will take forever and it is a very distasteful act on my part because if I did change it, it means that I am a prissy, stuck up, unopened can of conservativeness served with a side of selfishness together with some ignorance sauce.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Asian parenting, from my view.
When I thought alot of people are against with me and Natasha, I thought it was something that I would just dust off my shoulders. I couldn't care less what people think, lest they are the ones influencing my life directly.
However, my mindset changed, when the very people that raised you up with the so called ASIAN values are actually against with me having someone. Yes, they are my parents.
Instead of being happy that their son found a girl (albeit proving he's not gay), they are the first ones to light the match and sharpen the saws to cut, burn, mutilate the sanctity of this beautiful relationship of mine.
I love my parents. They love me too. They raised me to be the guy that I am today.
But in all those years they raised me, I fear, they have failed to understand me.
They have yet to understand, that words are a powerful trigger of emotions, so powerful that it will leave wounds on the receiving end.
Anger drives people to say things. But do we really believe when they say, "I don't mean it?". And they just shake their heads and put on a seemingly fake attitude and forgetting the entire episode.
I take words, from people very seriously. So serious, that I will remember the most hurtful ones that have been uttered, although in a rage.
I am no stranger when it comes to getting on the wrong end of a scolding from my parents, especially my mother notably. I love my mother, there is no doubt. But when she gets angry, the things that follow thanks to the surge of emotions is enough to scar my thoughts and wound me greatly, so great to even drive me to feel emotionless of future events.
And all of a sudden, my mom will act as if is nothing has happened whatsoever. And I will be left confused by the sudden change of emotions, and will proceed to her requests.
As for my dad, he is a great man, someone I look up to, a role model. He scolds with precision, no threatening words, and he will definitely remember it when he scolds. Just like the soldier he was. Unlike the words that my mom throws around when she scolds, my dad does it with efficiency. I will actually take them to heart.
But what could even drive a parent to such depths, to the point where they accuse the girl that their son is consorting with, is somewhat of a slut, and what is she doing controlling him to the point I must see her every time?
What they don't know, is that I NEVER SEEN HER physically for a while, and I miss her. And secondly, they think, that me bringing her to the house, in the dark of the night, something has happened.
To all ears but mine, my parents thought I was literally making babies with her.
Of course I could hardly blame them, thanks to me returning in the night and with her, alone, in a big house. But calling her a slut, it was something that I could not take.
I was nearly close to yelling at them to literally shut the fuck up. But respect, and common sense followed.
What my parents failed to comprehend is that, I am not that kind of a guy. I don't seek sexual favours from a girl I just met. I just wanted to comfort her, and it was raining when I took her home.
If you guys, can't take it when I have a girlfriend, say it to me loud, say it proud. But do not expect me to leave her. Never. I will show to you guys one day in the future, that she is a daughter in law worth the wait and trouble that I have gone through, and she is, and will be forever my little Natasha.
However, my mindset changed, when the very people that raised you up with the so called ASIAN values are actually against with me having someone. Yes, they are my parents.
Instead of being happy that their son found a girl (albeit proving he's not gay), they are the first ones to light the match and sharpen the saws to cut, burn, mutilate the sanctity of this beautiful relationship of mine.
I love my parents. They love me too. They raised me to be the guy that I am today.
But in all those years they raised me, I fear, they have failed to understand me.
They have yet to understand, that words are a powerful trigger of emotions, so powerful that it will leave wounds on the receiving end.
Anger drives people to say things. But do we really believe when they say, "I don't mean it?". And they just shake their heads and put on a seemingly fake attitude and forgetting the entire episode.
I take words, from people very seriously. So serious, that I will remember the most hurtful ones that have been uttered, although in a rage.
I am no stranger when it comes to getting on the wrong end of a scolding from my parents, especially my mother notably. I love my mother, there is no doubt. But when she gets angry, the things that follow thanks to the surge of emotions is enough to scar my thoughts and wound me greatly, so great to even drive me to feel emotionless of future events.
And all of a sudden, my mom will act as if is nothing has happened whatsoever. And I will be left confused by the sudden change of emotions, and will proceed to her requests.
As for my dad, he is a great man, someone I look up to, a role model. He scolds with precision, no threatening words, and he will definitely remember it when he scolds. Just like the soldier he was. Unlike the words that my mom throws around when she scolds, my dad does it with efficiency. I will actually take them to heart.
But what could even drive a parent to such depths, to the point where they accuse the girl that their son is consorting with, is somewhat of a slut, and what is she doing controlling him to the point I must see her every time?
What they don't know, is that I NEVER SEEN HER physically for a while, and I miss her. And secondly, they think, that me bringing her to the house, in the dark of the night, something has happened.
To all ears but mine, my parents thought I was literally making babies with her.
Of course I could hardly blame them, thanks to me returning in the night and with her, alone, in a big house. But calling her a slut, it was something that I could not take.
I was nearly close to yelling at them to literally shut the fuck up. But respect, and common sense followed.
What my parents failed to comprehend is that, I am not that kind of a guy. I don't seek sexual favours from a girl I just met. I just wanted to comfort her, and it was raining when I took her home.
If you guys, can't take it when I have a girlfriend, say it to me loud, say it proud. But do not expect me to leave her. Never. I will show to you guys one day in the future, that she is a daughter in law worth the wait and trouble that I have gone through, and she is, and will be forever my little Natasha.
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