Sorry I wasn't there (scripted from the initial email)

I want to start this off by pleading an apology from you.
Again, I got your hopes up and at the same time I killed it by not being there and not answering your messages and remarks on facebook.
Only when I got back, to see my phone with my message, my Skype orange with your messages and the facebook and your wall posts.. the feeling that I got, is unlike any feeling I have had ever.

Unlike the usual mix of regret and guilt with a little sprinkle of self resentment thrown in, what I did to you today cuts deep, slices cleanly through the very vestiges of my inner conscience. The guilt, amplified by a thousandfold. The regret, multiplied. Both of them combined, feeds the self misery that I am developing at the moment and at the same time carving today's misdeed of mine into the very folds of my cerebral complex of the human body; the brain. And it is replayed. Over and over again.
This is probably what Hell feels like; not only it brings pain to the physical being for eternity, the soul as well feels it as well. I am feeling the soul aspect and by far, I agree it is more scarring than its physical counterpart.

Trust me girl, all I want to do in this life, is to make my loved ones happy. Disappointing them somehow wreaks a havoc akin to a storm, a tempest of an unnatural kind deep inside my heart as my emotions and the sin that I have committed hand in hand tumbles back and forth.

Never in my life, never in this 23 year span of me walking this earth, I wanted to do this to anyone. What makes everything worse is that, I have done it to you. The guilt once again, tears me from limb to limb, and shuffles my organs and skin back together, so it can tear it again and again. An endless cycle.
And when I called you, I heard the clear disappointment in your voice. And you're unable to speak properly I can tell. But what killed me was, that you wouldn't want to come online. But somehow, it is a fitting punishment for someone that literally threw the plane at you (look for Cantonese reference lol).
Believe me girl, I never want to go back on you that way.
But I did regardless.
And I am sorry.


And I didn't change anything in facebook. Really. But I did see some notable changes.. I am learning a new Pokemon skill i.e: Body Slam.
The only thing I did thus far is just wall posts, nothing more. To undo your changes it is like, will take forever and it is a very distasteful act on my part because if I did change it, it means that I am a prissy, stuck up, unopened can of conservativeness served with a side of selfishness together with some ignorance sauce.